emotional

hmm.. things tend to get a little emotional.. especially in circumstances where sth comes to an end.. well, in the smallest matter of the smaller matters.. like for instances where it’s ur last sem, u tend to miss ur college close frens.. well, though knowing tht u r gonna meet them soon.. in fact very very soon! hmmm… so emotional…

today it’s the last day of me attending a particular class.. well, though not something which was so interesting or so memorable.. but still, it’s sth tht im gonna find myself missing it.. maybe for like today, tmr, n the day after tmr… hehehe… :p

well, i think i’m gonna miss the whole learning process.. the whole journey i’ve been thru.. well. i guess im going to miss the whole thingy.. the people around who keeps asking question.. (hmm.. in my mind n also was telling to the guy beside me, "why r they having soooo many questions?? y i dont???" LOL,the scenery, the new chairs, new building, small lecture halls, the place.. well to a certain extent… excluding the incident where there’s thing "f*cker" (tt’s wat my fren called him, hehehe) he was holding a fake so-called snake.. walking around… trying to scare all the gals walking n passing bye.. wat the damn shit!!!!! n of course not to forget, the man of the knowlegde… (hmm, doesnt sound so rite.. nvm)

well, i miss the scenery.. the lift.. hmm.. maybe.. but it’s pretty scary, everytime i took the lift esp when im alone, from the ground floor to the 18th floor.. damn it.. damn scary… it’s soundless, with dim light.. aiyoo… esp me having more than once history of being trapped in the lift.. damn scary…..~~~

well o well, the missing part os over… now comes to the part where.. damn shit! IT’S OVER!!!! 2 to 3 weeks has juz passed! GONE juz like tht.. OMG! the door to the hell is getting closer n closer!!!

im still feeling alright for the time-being.. but trust me.. i will definitely freak out like as if end of the world… seriously, trust me! really really to me, it feels like as if END OF THE WORLD… i would feel like there’s nothing i can do! there’s no way out!!! i cant breathe… all tht kinda situation is going to revisit in the month of May n June… (it’s like a cursed / haunted) awwwww~~~ sleepless nites.. sleepless days…  watever depression kinda symptoms… all will appear…

~~sigh~~

anger management

GOSH!!! every single person passes me seems to be like my enemy, my dad, my mom, my sis, not to mention everybody else got it from me.. really like a mad dog.. showing my anger.. my temper to whoever.. n dont care about watever..! damn sacarstic, like as if they did anything wrong to me.. even small little thing, it seems such a big big big matter to me… every single words they said, i take it damn personally!

hell shit! my mood is oredy like this, there She add on with sth i hated to hear so badly.. badly totally utterly abhor it! damn it! i wish i could shut Her mouth!!! i really really wish i could change her attitude! damn!

help!!!!

this seems to happen quite often lately… very very often.. not less than once a day.. all my music players are on the the max volume.. as loud as i can!!!!!!!!!

sing as loud as i could…!!

i think rite now i feel much better…

i really dunno how to communicate =S

i really had no idea how to communicate with little kids.. really really no idea how! even for those who r younger to me one or 2 years.. i still feel, aiyo.. i’m so old.. how do communicate this little kid?? or perhaps i feel like everything i said will bring some consequences…

but if tht person acts more mature than i am.. then no problem.. i can speak to them like normal.. ahaha.. weird..

perhaps, in my mind i’m always n forever the youngest, the little baby… haiz.. wat a selfish minded person..

it feels really awkward speaking to them especially when they add the word "jie jie" everytime they speak to me.. awwww~~~ i feel pressured… lol

i guess this is sth is gotta work on it.. as time passes, age increases, i gotta overcome it somehow… i’m getting older n older n older..

i’m touched

"do you know how much i love her? i love her very much. I din say/show it doesn’t mean i don’t love her"

wow! this really touches my heart deeply..

unfortunately, it wasn’t something uttered to me, neither was it for me nor has anything to do with me.. ~sad case~

this is sth i heard from a fren of mine out of his truthfulness n sincerity though it was burst out of his anger.. but i know he meant wat he said, i know he really really do love his gf alot! though he rarely speaks about her.. but i can feel tht he’s so proud of his gf..

the moment i heard wat he said.. i cant stop burst out laughing.. even now when i think of it, i can still continue to laugh, or perhaps smile to myself quietly.. i kinda feel the happiness between him n his gf.. which is sth really really good.. it’s truly a blessed for the both of them! n i’m happy for them!!

pls dont get me wrong, is not a sign of jealousy, k.. pls don misunderstood me.. perhaps it’s the ever first time i heard such a thing uttered with so much of emotion, which u can easily tell that.. "that is L-O-V-E" , sth which i admires.. sth which i hope to c more in everyday life.. not only tht it happens to me, but also to people around.. (when there is love, there is peace)

In especially, it’s uttered by an ego, serious person like him! ^_^

i’m really really touched.. n really really cute to happened to be there at tht very moment.. ^_^

holding back

at times, u tend to want something in life.. but when u getting close to it, u juz hold urself back.. why??

it’s always the case where, the thing u’ve long wanted, n longing for.. it seems to be so close n yet so far! i dun get it y tht i keep holding myself back.. or was it sth else? i wonder wat is in my mind tht keeps holding me back.. over n over again, the stupid mentality.. useless, coward, undetermined attitude..

it’s always seems to be an easy task, but when it comes to fulfilling it.. it’s then feels like it’s the toughest task!

how do i let go?? how do i stop holding back, n keep holding on instead??

i juz wish that i had nothing else to consider along with this…

it hits again!!!!

there’s it comes again, the stupid hell depression moment! i really really really hate it! everytime it hits.. i feel like everything is so meaningless to me.. nothing means a thing to me.. NONE.. i’m feeling tht im being useless.. i’m starting to hate everybody, everything around me.. nothing seems to attract me.. everything seems like my enemy.. everything seems like as if had provoked me..

i hate the phrase " life sucks!! " but i gotta for once in awhile admit to tht phrase.. agreeing to it!!

it’s really sucks! to me now, i cant see a good thing, i cant see any task given to me is completed or at least 50% completed, i cant myself being useful for even juz once.. i really, seriously see the useless me.. y is it so?? hmm…

don’t u think so?? won’t u call a person, who, wants sth or anything, but they screw it up again n again!

this really sucks, the feeling, the moment, the season, the time, the date… the life-being! this is one of the moment i hated most in my life! well, i wonder am i still alive mentally???

my life sucks? or was it juz tht i tot it sucks??

i’m not too sure if it was because im too exhausted n tired, n oredy been flooded by my very own tension n stress.. makes me feel worse off… i had no idea..

its always like tht… when u tot something is over/ some hell problem was solved, but then somehow there will b a new one following it up.. how come??

i dunno

was it tht it has always been there, yet i’ve been ignoring it or something else?? but y m i the one being put to such a test?? cos im more capable in handling it?? or was it because of my bad luck, thts y its happening to me more if compared to others??

perhaps its getting late or perhaps age is increasing or perhaps things getting more comlicated or perhaps… i dunno … everythings seems to be more n more tangled up… it’s so hard to loosen it up.. it’s juz so so so hard! perhaps im taking it too seriuosly.. though in my mind, i always believes tht there’s a way.. for sure, there’s a way out.. THERE IS A WAY OUT.. i keep convincing myself… but i juz cant wait to get out… it seems to be damn far for me to get to the door, n get n myself out.. it seems like a never ending journey.. as this is the road, i had been walking on it throughout my whole life.. from the day i was born until now… gettting out of it seems so impossible

life sucks, ppl around sucks.. it’s all sucks! nothing seems beautiful.. even if they do.. it’s juz for a second, it doesnt last.. it juz dont last.. if only i noe magic!

am i living in a life which i am the one in control or a life which has been, n will always be controlled by others?? which one?? n which one i prefer most?? i control or others to determine my life??

it seems more like i let others to determine my life more than i do.. previously..

do i still now?? i suppose lesser…

it’s a fatal to have ppl who dont think rationally controlling ur life.. it’s a serious fatal.. as i dont realize it b4 this, but i do now.. am i too late?? let’s hope not!

it’s my life.. a life which belongs to me completely.. which is sth i shd have full control of! i shall b the one to determine my LIFE.. the life i always wanted.. the kinda lifestyle i wanted..

i suppose by saying such, i had got myself one step closer to the door.. a step nearer to the way out… the answers has always been there, always there… but juz tht i dont c it.. the light has always been leading me to the doorway… but worries n lack of confidence has blinded me!

wrong thoughts?

i’ve always thought that u noe, paying for my own study fees actually makes me more tension n stress.. as i am paying it.. n if fail means no more money to advance anymore.. or it will eventually force me more to study.. the pressure is more n more if compared to if my parents were the one paying for the fees..

but i suppose that i was so wrong.. it’s not like tht.. it’s actually the other way round.. i find it more n more n more tension, hypertension, i would say, when my parents actually contributed to my study fees.. GOSH!! albeit little, like 1% to it.. yet still, i feel so much pressured! feeling like.. OMG! i cant waste their 1% money.. i muz n have to make sure that i do well… muz not only to juz merely pass but to do well!!

aiyoo… how la????? it’s not as easy as ABC any longer…

i’m not saying tht paying myself isn’t stressful or tension at all.. but there’s still tension n stress.. juz tht, it’s more n more n more when parents get involved… maybe some would think tht, well, parents.. hmm, they owe us an obligation to pay for our fees n our pocket money.. etc etc.. but i suppose tht different families has got different policies… i’m technically from a family where, i get watever i want (most of the time) myself, without asking from them.. i dont like getting things i want under any conditions or watsoever.. hello~~! i hate begging like a beggar.. i won force u to give me anything.. but i dont mind if u voluntarily give me anything.. BUT, i would take it free from anything.. (in legal terms, i exclude any liabilities… LOL)

well, perhaps tht caused me feeling so much under pressure when i actually get juz a minor help from my dad.. hmm~~~

together and apart 2

continue…..

if ur love is real enough

strong enough

sincere enough

nothing on earth can tear u apart

no matter how far or how near

him n her were finally brought again together

there they start their life together again

happily ever after

with a little child of theirs…….

together and apart

2 angels were brought together

making her falling in love with him

n him loving somebody else

when he starts to fall in love with her

somebody else fall in love with her at the same time

without wanting to tell her how he feels

the other said it first

but

she is, still loving him, even more n more

ego breaks the heart of these 2 angels

breaking the others heart as well

when ego has been taken off

he finally said the 3 magical words

n finally start their journey as 2 lovely doves

yet too soon to live happily ever after

their relationship was put to a test

they were separated not by their own will

how would they end up being like?

to be continue…